Unsolicited Movie Review: Bird Box

I searched for a copyright-free image of Bird Box and all I got was this birdhouse.

Unless you've been living under a rock or walking around with a blindfold on, you've probably heard of Bird Box. The movie stars Sandra Bullock, has already spawned its own social media challenge, and, according to Netflix, was viewed by 45 million subscribers in seven days.

If you know me well, you know it takes me about six years to catch on to cultural trends. I watched the final season of The Sopranos on an old DVD that I checked out from the library years after that famous diner scene aired. I made everyone talk about Sons of Anarchy with me well past the point where anyone else was interested (like, two weeks ago).

So I'm kind of surprised that I'm one of the 45 million Netflix subscribers who's seen Bird Box - especially considering my general avoidance of horror movies. (They're like donuts: easy to consume but they haunt me for days.)

I guess I wanted to find out what all the hullabaloo was about. And what, exactly, a bird box is. So please enjoy my almost-spoiler-free and completely unsolicited review of Bird Box. Side note: Why do movie reviews always start with a lengthy synopsis of the plot? I just want to know if the movie's worth my time. If you want a lengthy synopsis of the plot go read The New Yorker's review. (Spoiler alert: they hate everything.)

As for me, I really liked it! Maybe I had low expectations and was kind of doing my "if everyone likes it, I bet it's dumb" snobbery. But I thoroughly enjoyed it, and not just because I'm a Sandra Bullock fan from back in the Miss Congeniality days.

It's more thriller than horror, so if you prefer suspense over gore, you'll do well with Bird Box. However, there is plenty of violence, which I dealt with by taking a cue from the movie and covering my eyes.

I found the acting to be A-OK, which Tom disagrees with. So there's your balanced assessment. We had fun playing "WHERE THE HELL IS THAT GUY FROM," with IMBD coming in very handy. (Dr. Henry Wu from Jurassic Park! Zoe from Parenthood! John Malkovich from that movie about being John Malkovich!) And then there's Sandra Bullock, who could make a turd like 28 Days totally watchable. (OK, not totally watchable. Watchable if it's on cable and you're folding laundry.)

Prior to watching Bird Box, I had done some googling and found all these Youtube videos where they explain the ending. So I was paranoid that the ending was going to confound me. I really hate confounding or ambiguous endings. Life is confounding enough - I don't need my entertainment to add to it.

I am happy to report that the ending of Bird Box is completely clear, understandable, and unambiguous. I have no idea why anyone would need the ending explained. So fear not, fellow haters of ambiguity. This Bird Box  gets tied up with a nice pretty bow at the end.

However, if you are a person who needs to know the Five W's about the evil forces in this movie, you will be frustrated. If you're OK just sort of generally knowing what happens to each of the characters, you will be satisfied. I'm fascinated by humans and pretty hands-off about spirits and monsters so I was fine with those unanswered questions.

And now for my life lesson takeaway, because everything has to have a life lesson takeaway or else why waste your time? My takeaway comes from this line from Tom (Trevante Rhodes) telling Malorie (Sandra Bullock) how to be a good mom while surviving in a tenuous dystopia: "You need to love them knowing you could lose them at any moment." (I'm paraphrasing, because Google has finally failed me and I can't find the exact quote.)

We may not be living in Bird Box times, but the concept still hits home. I would love to know what you thought of the movie, what your life lesson takeaway was, and whether you think life lesson takeaways are dumb. (My children loooooove it when I make them come up with life lesson takeaways from whatever they're watching, whether it's Barbie: Life in the Dreamhouse or Trolls: The Beat Goes On!)